Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This girl.

This girl,
She hurts and she heals,
Like no other.

And she makes me happy,
More than anything in this world.
This girl,
So strong and yet so fragile,
From the outside in.
And she frustrates me,
More than anything in this world.
This girl, this girl,
As I hold her in my arms,
I’ll do my best not to harm,
bend, break or hurt her.
This girl, this girl,
I’ll do anything to see her smile,
though sometimes I only make her cry,
tears falling free from both our faces.
This girl,
She makes my head hurt,
My knees weak and my heart so soft.
And she touches me,
When she says she loves me.
So as we turn off the lights,
And say goodnight,
I pray to God in heaven,
That all I may be
Is hers forever.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

All work and no play...?

makes Jack a dull boy... or so they say. But when you have less than 3 days to cover just over 3 months' work, let's just say it's justified.

Just had my first paper today. I was alright for a while after that, but after studying for about another 2 hours, i was just so mentally exhausted that i had to stop, just because the words were flashing but nothing was making sense anymore.

Anyways, craving Imagine, the live version that David Archuleta sang the first time around. On the subject of AI, i'd have to say i thought the finale(which i finally watched on youtube a few days ago) seemed to actually favour archuleta, coz he did sing better, so i was kinda surprised that Cook won if it was just based on the finale performance, but i guess part of it was building a fan base anyway. But Cook, sigh. I liked Music of the Night and billie jean was quite good, but the other one..i thought he completely massacred Always be my baby.

Tiff got new headphones today..Sennheiser. Far out i'm jealous now. Gotta steal them off her when i get the chance Kekekeke... :p (She's asleep now)

Just read Aaron's blog, and i gotta say i agree. Being out of malaysia does broaden your perspective. I think it's because you see so many different points of views, and it's just like coming out from under a rock into the sun, simply because so much of what we hear in malaysia is one sided and really censored, whereas from an outsider's point of view, it's so much different. Yet once we hear both sides of the story, it's up to us to make up our minds isn't it? Like, not who to believe, but what we think of what they're saying, and what of what we hear that we do believe, and then speak our minds.

Yes..freedom of speech, it's like taboo in malaysia for some reason. And i believe i may be invading into some of our politically minded friends' territories here, but i believe we should be more exposed to all these things, to be able to see what we wanna see, hear what we wanna hear and say what we wanna say! The boundaries and restrictions malaysians are put under in our own country is almost ridiculous sometimes, and one wonders that if they truly believe they're right, what are they so afraid of? Why the restrictions if you do believe in what you do? Because the truth speaks for itself. It's when people try to speak for it that it becomes corrupted.

And so, freed from all these things, i believe our view of the world, of life is just drastically changed. We know what we're missing out on, and maybe what we've got that's better than everyone else too, and that i believe makes us appreciate the good things more. But what's more, where there are people you love and care about, no matter how bad things are, there's always a good side to everything. Quoting from a malay proverb, "buang yang keroh, ambil yang jernih" (hope i got that right...).

Along those lines, i have something to say. Stop freakin complaining about your petrol prices! RM2.70 RM 2.70...guess what people? It's only going to go up. Yes, it's bush's fault, but no boycotting petronas isn't going to work forever. And RM2.70 compared to NZD 2.10? (conversion rate of 2.6), and i'm sure it's higher in aus, and 4-5 USD per litre? It's nothing. Even Singaporeans think we get cheap petrol and everyone is just complaining non-stop.

Ok. I am done. I am not a country basher, nor am i particularly patriotic. I'm just a guy looking out for his friends.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A drop of rain after the drought...

First off, wow. How long have i not updated? Sorry i've been so lazy, but i am probably going to repeat this, so all i can give is a drop i guess, but i'll make it as big a drop as possible.

Okay, so lately all i've been doing is studying my brains off, monday to saturday(gonna become monday to sunday this weekend) almost 8am - 9.30 pm, with breaks of course. Med school is taking over my life. However! I was thinking of remodelling this blog and putting up stuff i find out as i learn that's kinda interesting instead of my long rambly posts. I guess one of the reasons i'm lazy is 'coz no one really says anything about my posts. But then again isn't that my fault for being cold and heartless last time? Haha, God has His ways of bringing things around eh?

So, other than the days being mushed into one and monday being practically indistinguishable from tuesday or wednesday, my brain is full of random facts like did you know your guts were outside of your body when you were in the womb? I also desperately need the exercise. I've been eating and eating and eating until recently when i discovered that i actually concentrate better when i'm hungry.

As for the exercise thing, i haven't played badminton, just about my sole source of physical exertion here in good ol' NZ (other than the walking ages everyday and writing heaps which must work my forearm muscles really well), and i'm craving for a bit of futsal or something, yet i really won't be back until the end of the year, unfortunately. But on another note, hopefully i'll be bringing friends home, so not only will i get to take them around, friends can meet friends, which to me is really what it's all about, just bridging that 6 degrees of separation between us all, through one friend at a time, 'coz as facebook proves, everyone knows everyone.

Just randomly, i'm thinking of going to the gym next semester 'coz i probably could really use the exercise, and Tiff wants to go join too, so it'll be kinda fun at least, to have someone go with you. Wondering if i should work on my fitness or just get back to my own taekwondo basics, just to regain my kicks and stuff. Also, a third year friend said that there might be salsa classes next semester, which i think would actually be fun to go with Tiff as well, if she does manage to get permission from her mom.

And whoa, time seriously has flown hasn't it? It's been almost 3 years since we first landed here. It took me a while, but i've finally settled down, and so have reichel and mom. Sis is doing pretty well in school, and seems to be pretty popular too, similar to what she had back in bestari i'm guessing, but i don't quite know coz i don't really know her friends. Also, i guess i do regret not being home a lot sometimes, just coz of study and staying out and stuff. And mom's enjoying herself too, just working part time and having free time whenever she feels like it.

We do really love it here, but i guess the only thing missing's dad. 'Coz although we see him whenever we want on webcam or talk to him or email and stuff, it's not quite the same as being there. When he came over last time, it was really obvious mom had missed him. She just lit up, and just felt so much happier with dad around, so i know i really owe my parents a lot for everything-life, love, opportunities..you name it, everything can be traced back to them in some way.

Been thinking of the future quite a lot lately, although it is another 4 and a half years(and maybe a little bit more) til i graduate, and hopefully earn a decent starting wage. I don't really know if i do wanna stay here for very very long. I'm on scholarship for 30% of my fees a year ( that's 3k outta 10k), but i'm bonded here for 4 outta the next 5 years, because they'll sponsor me 4 years starting this year, so i guess that'll play a big part in my decision too. I pray that Tiff and i will be together then, still looking to the future, and that again will really influence me. At the moment though, looking at australia because it's close and they pay lots better, and i'm thinking it'll be familiar. However, depending on where i wanna do my fellowship later on, i guess i'm gonna have to choose a good college to get a good education so i can come out really good at what i do, which is what i look forward to most when i think about study nowadays. Also, anyone who doesn't finish in 4 1/2 years or less, raise your hands, i will be your friend, because you'll probably finish later than me then :)

Honestly, i really just can't wait to go make an impact on someplace in the world. Be it by cure or something else...i think you should see the doctor.

Anyways, i'm tired now, and gotta wake up again to go study so i gotta run!

Laters!

Monday, February 25, 2008

A Prayer

Seems like the only one i can think of nowadays..

God, please..don't take her away from me...
Please.

Monday, February 04, 2008

How does it feel?

How does it feel? It's over.

How does it feel to think that things may never ever be the same again?
That she won't be waiting for me to come back like before?

How does it feel, when all the things you think of doing,
All your hopes and dreams, and wildest desires, have gone up in smoke?

How does it feel when together, and forever and ever,
becomes nothing but a memory from yesterday?

And i'm left here, thinking of what might have been, wondering what could be, and hurting like i've never hurt before.

How does it feel, finding out the world you built around her,
was just an illusion no one but you believed in?

How does it feel indeed, watching as your plans, dreams and expectations go down in flame, and you rue the day you decided to allow yourself to hope after all?

How does it feel to give everything, and have nothing left to give, and yet wonder if maybe it wasn't enough this time?

How does it feel to have to grow up and face reality-that life sucks, and all we can do is live it?

I've never been one for labels or stereotypes or boundaries, and i've always believed that love was a force so powerful nothing could stand in its way. And yet, for it to fail at the most fundamental levels, i don't know if i can believe in anything anymore.

The hardest feeling in the world is to not be able to tell someone you love them, even when it's all you can think of doing, because you love them more than anything in the world.

I'm sorry...i just couldn't stop thinking.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dunno why i've never heard this song before. But whoa..is all i can say. It's a really nice sweet number, and really easy to listen to. Jamie Scott and the Town, When will I see your face again.

A question i ask everyday i'm away from her. Feeling kinda despondent, like, not bad, yet not quite neutral either, just..not quite all here.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Singapore

Random update. Just arrived in singapore, aunt drove us all down-sis, grandma and myself. I haven't been here in just about 10 years i think, last mid-year's sleep over at my uncle's house nonwithstanding coz i never really got to see much even then. Prospect of exploring singapore is sorta exciting cum daunting, since i only got mom and sis with me. Wishing i had her here with me.

Hoping Jho and Kevin will come down later in the week or something, and then might hopefully get to be more independent and do some exploring. Realising that lotsa things are different here than in malaysia. Went to vivocity already, pretty sweet design n stuff, but feel so much pressure to have a fast lifestyle..ppl walk fast, eat fast, even the escalators are fast!

Anyway, might have more stuff to say later. Listening to Teardrops on my Guitar again, and can't help thinking how incredibly sad it is. Somehow i'm addicted to it though. Maybe i really am secretly emo after all.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Heard this song on the radio. I don't know why, but i was really attracted to it. Maybe despite everything i'm still worried of being victim of tragic, unrequited love. But this song is so sad, so simple, and yet says so much.




Also, Shashi left today for the states. Went to send him off at airport. Who knows when we'll see him again, especially us ppl studying where the longest break is at the end of the year (as opposed to US's mid year summer hols). Man, all our friends are leaving, flying off everywhere one by one..i just hope that somehow we'll manage to keep in touch and stay as close as we were in high school. GL was really sad in the car. Makes me wonder how i'd react if i ever had to say goodbye to the one person who knows me best. I think she'd never see it, but i probably wouldn't be strong enough to act like life was gonna be the same the very next day after she'd left.

*Sigh* Sorry for emo post. Just thinking of how a group of about 15-20 who saw each other just about everyday for the last maybe 9-10 years, might only see each other once a year or once every other year. It's sad, but 'tis the reality of life i suppose..everyone grows up, everyone moves on.

I just really hope there wont be too many u turns in my life, and that the one person in life i'd care enough about wouldnt either.

Anyhow, really tired now! Must go sleep.....Nights ppl!

Monday, January 07, 2008

Of Money, Friendship and Love...

The three things which make the world go round.

Money. It's a fact that money talks, and sometimes it's heard louder than a million voices, however absurd that may be. One man with money can literally own the lives of millions without, dictating their fates, their futures, and at times, even their thinking. But the truth is, money is a necessity. My philosophy on money would be: "You need it, so make it." The more money you have, the more comfort you can afford. But the trick is never to fall into the trap of equating comfort with happiness. Comfort can be bought in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual terms, at the cost of nothing more than cold hard cash, but being comfortable doesn't necessarily make one content, or happy. Because it is in failing first that one learns to truly appreciate success, and the truth is, many of us relish challenges, however lazy or nonchalant we portray ourselves to be. We all hate being bored, hate staying stagnant, and as humans are the most dynamic and adaptable creatures on the planet, and being born into too much money could take away that challenge from a person, and result in boredom.

The problem though, with regards to money, is..how much is enough? Surviving from paycheque to paycheque? No..that doesn't sound right. What if the next one doesn't come for some reason? Having so much money you don't know what to do with it? Ideally we would all really love that, but that can't happen to everyone, and with more money comes more stress sometimes, such as the overwhelming attention, the sudden appearance of pretenders. The safeguarding of one's money suddenly takes foremost priority in one's mind, and you'd suspect anyone and everyone. After all, who would be willing to lose something they had in the first place? But too many people are disillusioned by chasing more money, and not losing what they have, to realise when they have enough. Humans, by nature are a greedy species. As money equals comfort, we want more money to gain more comfort and more convenience, but sometimes we don't stop and realise that in trying to gain more money, we're actually depriving ourselves of a lot more comfort and convenience than we would be able to gain at the end.

Friendship. Is a many beautiful thing. Friends are the most important people in the world someone can have, apart from family, and for some, even in spite of family. It is in your friends you entrust your deepest, darkest secrets, and it is to your friends you go to in your hour of need, and you expect them never to tell anyone, and yet still do everything they can to help you. But true friends of this vein are truly a rare breed..few and very very far between.

It is said that a friend in need is a friend indeed. And so it is true. People mingle with other people really easily. As earlier mentioned, people are probably the most adaptable species on the planet. We make nice, exchange pleasantries and say hi, and even have a good time when we're around friends. But in the hour of need, of 100 friends, but a handful will stay, and will help pull you out of the deep end, selflessly doing so without hope of any reward but your loyalty. True friends like these usually care too much, never judge, and will always be there when needed, even if they aren't every other time.

I count myself lucky to have met a number of true friends, though they might not be mine. However, that number is not that great that i need any more than 2 hands to count them. Granted, i haven't lived that long, just shy of 2 decades now, but not to have met 10 true friends, i believe that they are a rare and dying breed. In order to avoid being hypocritical, i suppose it is only fair that i say that i know there are times when i have never been a true friend to some people. However, i am trying to be a better friend, and the thing with me is, whatever else i may be..i am a fiercely loyal friend..to the end.

Love. Finally, the most intangible, inexplicable, yet powerful force of the three, and it isn't just romantic love that i mean, the kind where you go on bike rides through parks together, sit on beaches having picnics, or going out to the theatre together, with all the flowers and chocolates and jewellery. Not just that kind of love. I mean the kind of love which is all encompassing, which is forgiving and kind, and sometimes even sacrificial.

It is love between humankind. Brotherhood, of sorts. Love makes life worth living. Love brought just about each and every one of us into this world and then kept us alive for the majority of our infant lives. I do not pretend to be able to fathom love, as even though i believe i know some of it, i am under no illusions that i completely comprehend its depth, its meanings, and its far reaching comsequences. When you love someone, you'd do just about absolutely everything for them if it'd make them happy. You'd think of them before yourselves, of their futures in tandem with yours, and of keeping them in your lives as long as it's possible to. Without love, we would've been extinct a long long time ago, and without love, we would be hopeless, we would be less brave, we would be less confident, and without love, the disarray in the world would multiply by a whopping 10fold, and without love, all our lives would be that much duller, the sun would seem to shine less bright, and patterns and colours fade and swim before your else.

Love, Friendship and Money. They make the world go round, but do not necessarily mean they are essential one's life. They are fleeting, and non-lasting, coming and going in but a second or two. They flow in and out, creating a sort of balance in the lives we live, but the trick would be to be able to find a solid balance between the 3 elements. Then and only then, can people be truely happy-once they realise the truths for what they are, and realise that happiness stems from all, not just one part of the three, nor two. There always has to be 3.

Just because it's my lucky number :p

Hope you guys enjoyed it..just random thoughts sweeping in and outta my head.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Was listening to Jordin Sparks' album 'coz of Tattoo, but this one caught my ears and made me smile. Let's hope it does to you too.

Missing her so very much right now..