Rediscovering an old flame.

Those were the days. Pretty sure no one knows I'm this into it.

Have you ever had someone want to see you so badly they didn't just give you a hug? Have you ever had someone miss you so badly they had to run into your arms and maybe even jump because they're so happy you're there?

With a heavy heart, I wonder if I've had my fill.

I remember the first time it happened to me so clearly, and I loved it. It is such an underappreciated act, having someone let themselves go and look like a fool just to hold you a few seconds quicker.

I wonder if I will ever feel that way again.

I can only say please, and hope with this broken heart.

Transience

Any time, anywhere, anyone.

Life is transient that way. Things that could have been, things that never were, all snatched in flashes of time. I wonder how anyone really feels when they know that it's their last moment. Does your life flash before your eyes? Do you get a glimpse of what could have been, that tantalising strand of hope? Do you fight for every breath, with every sinew, fight to stay alive? Or do you just know...?

I find it hard to believe. I had only just met the guy 4 weeks ago. We said hi a few times, talked a little. Today, we all got an email telling us there was an accident and he is dead. It's not like I know the guy, I just find it quite surreal.

Life is here, it is now. Grab it, squeeze hard and hold on tight.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Cannot wait to get outta here!! One week to go.

I've also realised that my writing moods are brought about a lot by slower music. I think that's got something to do with the fact that a lot of my memories growing up are rooted in cheesy little pop-py songs with some clever lyrics. To be honest, I'm really just a big softie.

Lately I've been thinking about the things I have done in the past year. I haven't been too proud of a lot of it, and I guess in the last 3-5 years of my life, I have done regret-worthy things. I don't regret getting into a relationship, I don't regret putting myself out there and getting hurt, and I don't even regret how I built my life around her.

What I regret is the way I got into the relationship, which now I am questioning. Did I lie to myself, lie to the world? I honestly don't know yet, and I don't know if I really want to know. I regret that there were times where my actions didn't reflect the way I felt about her, that there were times I was disrespectful, and there were times where I was just downright horrible. All this I regret, even though being the person she is, she loved me nonetheless, and all this I regret in spite of the fact that it wasn't why it all came crashing down.

But maybe, just maybe I'm about ready to move on. I've felt sorry for myself long enough, pining for a love that's past its prime. I want to be able to throw myself out into the world again, raw and unprotected, but I don't feel as though I'm quite ready. Just like any injury, the body heals itself with time, but there are always things you can do to consolidate it and make sure things happen in the right direction.

Just like with any injury, you walk out with protection, be it a brace, a plaster, a support bandage or a cast. In my life, my friends have been that support, that protection, and that rock at which I've hurled most of my pain and frustration.

The next step is to give yourself time to heal. Exercise, or using the body part could help restore it to its former function quicker. But nothing beats time. To an injured person, it is both friend and foe, robbing you of the moments you could have and should have had, but at the same time, mending, repairing and giving peace, laying to rest all wounds so that all they become are battle scars, reminding you of the person you were before it happened, reminding you of times that should never be forgotten, but imprinted and learned from.

Sometimes, we give patients medications to prevent wounds from festering. It doesn't do anything for the healing process, but it's always nice to know that you're protected, you're covered from getting any worse, from falling any deeper into the gaping abyss of disability. To me, this is family. They don't always help, they don't always heal, but they're always there to make sure that when you feel like you're at rock bottom, the bottom doesn't give out on you. So thank you sis, mom, dad and all of you who have cared and held me in your thoughts all my life.

Finally, you're ready to head into the big bad world again. You carry your scars with pride, but if we could, none of us would have any aids or protection. We don't like showing the world our hurts, we don't like showing that we were once vulnerable, and we'd love to believe that the lesson was learned and we're over the hump. That the same thing that hurt us before won't be able to hurt us again.

So we lie to ourselves as we start fresh. We're more careful, but we tell ourselves we know better now and so we can't get hurt. But the truth is, we will never truly enjoy our lives the same way we did before unless we risk it all, and once again venture out with reckless abandon. To fight, to fall, to live and laugh and love.

So here I go.

I made chocolate tart! :) It is yum. Kudos epicurious.com

Random quote of the day: "Can footsteps really sound happy?" - A Voice in the Wind, tricksie

To-do List (eventually)

1. Finish storyboarding and start writing!
2. Study for Neurosurgery selective
3. Learn the guitar
4. Learn to ask someone out and go on an actual date
5. GYM GYM GYM
6. Add more later

Despondency

I'm drifting and I really need a purpose.

I need a goal, I need someone to impress, I need someone or something to chase! I feel like I'm walking in circles in the dark, feeling my way blindly for something to hold on to, or something that will hold on to me.

Need to start a new project, need to learn new things and remind myself I am good at things, and that I have and can achieve things. Need some fire, need some passion, need some obsessions.

I need a reason to wake up in the morning. I wish that reason was you.

Relapse

I have missed deep conversations and pouring my thoughts out on page, and I love how no one will ever know. Although one day, I will inevitably want them to. Because in the midst of my life, I feel so alone.

I don't know why, I thought I was over her, but maybe the truth is I am not. Maybe the truth is that I will never be. I do not know that if she wanted me back, I would say yes. This is what I tell myself because over the great expanse of time, a space has grown between us and we are too different.

And yet, I love her, and if she ever came calling, would I have the strength to stand unmoved, to deny myself the heart's greatest pull to date?

I know that all I do is dream wistfully and reminisce in tears the times of the past, where she made me so happy and I know, to some measure, I did that for her too. But can one help loving someone even if there is no hope, even if the person you love isn't the person you fell in love with anymore?

I have changed, and so much of me had been repressed that it lashed out. I take the blame, I take the responsibility, I take the consequences of my actions.

But it hurts. It hurts deeply and as a constant, there is something missing in my life. I feel adrift, as though I am floating with no anchor and no direction, being pulled by the current of life with no will to generate purpose.

Pity I do not want, and care I do not need. But they say that once a man has known a joy, never again is his life complete without it.

I have known joy, and I can only hope that that wasn't all of my allotted.