Relapse

I have missed deep conversations and pouring my thoughts out on page, and I love how no one will ever know. Although one day, I will inevitably want them to. Because in the midst of my life, I feel so alone.

I don't know why, I thought I was over her, but maybe the truth is I am not. Maybe the truth is that I will never be. I do not know that if she wanted me back, I would say yes. This is what I tell myself because over the great expanse of time, a space has grown between us and we are too different.

And yet, I love her, and if she ever came calling, would I have the strength to stand unmoved, to deny myself the heart's greatest pull to date?

I know that all I do is dream wistfully and reminisce in tears the times of the past, where she made me so happy and I know, to some measure, I did that for her too. But can one help loving someone even if there is no hope, even if the person you love isn't the person you fell in love with anymore?

I have changed, and so much of me had been repressed that it lashed out. I take the blame, I take the responsibility, I take the consequences of my actions.

But it hurts. It hurts deeply and as a constant, there is something missing in my life. I feel adrift, as though I am floating with no anchor and no direction, being pulled by the current of life with no will to generate purpose.

Pity I do not want, and care I do not need. But they say that once a man has known a joy, never again is his life complete without it.

I have known joy, and I can only hope that that wasn't all of my allotted.