As he arrives he seeks her out. He finds her in the arms of her best friend, deep in conversation.

She looks up and notices him. Their eyes meet across the room and she senses, rather than sees him light up as her vision is limited without her glasses. But in this light, his face was suddenly vibrant and mischevious and so alive.

She smiles at him and he can't help the grin that slowly spreads across his face. In time, he notices infinitesimally the slight downturn of her lips and reads the microexpression he'd somehow managed to miss before.

He controls his grin and the lights begin to dim. He smiles at her but this is somehow different; a little less real, a little less alive. He understands and turns away.

She watches his eyes crinkle with disappointment and knows the regret he tries to hide behind his unhappy smile. She watches as he turns to walk away. Watches because she's told him, she is simply not ready.

His footsteps are heavy and slow. He drifts through, heading inexorably for the exit. He wishes she would come after him. But he knows she won't. He knows she is okay without him. He knows simply because she told him her feelings for him just weren't as strong as his for her.

Life goes on, and they can both but wonder.

Of humble pie and being patient.

Humility is a lesson life beats into us time and time again. Refuse to learn and eventually the lessons come around again and again. Even when you think you have learned it, there will always be times in life where you find yourself eating modest, humble pie.

It is said that pride comes before a fall, but it is always that fall which gives me clarity. It reminds me of just how friable and tenuous the strings we use to tie our lives together really are. It reminds me also that no matter what I face in life, if I am able to subdue my arrogance, put my head down and work through the feelings, I come out the other end having learned some lessons and am a better person for it.

The price of humility is patience. Patience in biding your time, patience in absorbing adversity and letting it strengthen you, rather than break you, and patience in never being in a rush to understand or to get an answer, because some things, like life, just take time.

The question then is, how long would you wait to see if something happens? How much of your life would you bet on the potential of something amazing? What, to you, is worth waiting a lifetime for, even if it doesn't arrive?

If she is amazing and just about the essence of everything you've ever wanted, wouldn't you wait too? And yet, if the reverse was true, would you still have to wait? Or might waiting make the reverse true?

Time is inexorable, and in the grand scheme of it all, our one life is just that. And yet, it is because we have such a limited life to live that we appreciate and enjoy it so much.

Life lessons for the day: Eat humble pie with someone else, wait for the things that are worth it to you and enjoy the time you have been given.

All the fears you feel inside,
and all the tears you cry,
they're ending right here.
I'll heal your heart and soul;
I'll keep you oh so close.
Don't worry; I'll never let you fall.

What do you want to do with your life?

I want to make a difference, but time and time again, this feels inadequate, incomplete without someone there to be proud of me, to stand beside me whatever happens, and someone there to share the difficult times, the easy times and the hard times.

I know where I want to go, I may not know exactly how I am going to achieve these things in life that I want to do, but I believe I am already on that journey. Whether I will take the quickest roads, of indeed even the right roads, I sometimes question.

But I feel like the best way to find out is to just pick one and run! Rather than standing back and wondering, rather than imagining what could be at the other end, follow your gut, take the risk, and just run. Forget the destination because in the end, life takes you where it will no matter how you fight it and I would rather be there having travelled down many wrong paths than having never moved from where you started, stagnant and unwilling to make a choice.

At the end of the day, maybe i havent experienced enough failure to be bitter. Maybe i haven't been disappointed enough to be disillusioned, or maybe I havent been put down enough to realise when to give up.

But it would be a dark day in my life if ever i were to lose the will to live with such reckless abandon, willing to be hurt in the name of experience, willing to put myself on the line for the sake of living. That come-what-may, devil-may-care persona is what I love about who I have become today and it helps me stumble through the challenges which life throws at me not unscathed, but bearing the marks of a veteran.

I want to always live by what Simba once said.."Danger? I laugh in the face of danger!" and be like the child who lives to learn that every chastisement, every hurt is just encouragement to try harder or just as hard and never lose that naive notion that nothing is impossible if I want it badly enough.

And I assure you, I do.

Life changes you in so many ways that you could never expect or even imagine.

Have you ever thought, "hey I wish I could be that guy!" Well actually, you really can. And while this sounds like the beginning of an advert, trust me it's not.

All you have to do is give yourself that kick in the arse, pick yourself up and do it. Live life on the edge, remember that you have guts and that embarrassment doesn't medically kill you. I have to remind myself that constantly!

It's amazing how meeting new people and talking to old friends have that same exhilarating quality about it. Maybe one day I'll get over that novelty, but i hope i never do because it's just so cool to make a connection and find out more and more about someone whether you totally don't know them or you know them so well that you'd never expected to find something out about them.

Now I don't do it all the time, but my dad's been my inspiration in this department. He's a great role model in that over the years he has learned how not to be shy to speak his mind, to ask questions and to stand up for himself, and I really do believe that it's rubbed off on RC and I at least a little (probably her more than me). So thank you dad!

Thoughts in my mind going at a million miles an hour,
Yet there you float,
appearing disappearing, somersaulting and whirling just as you please.

If we're really done,
why is it so hard to keep you out of my head,
If we're really through,
why does everything remind me of you?

If i'm really over you,
Is it just habit that I feel so bad when I know you're hurt
Maybe like no one else ever will.

If love is really dead,
Why do i feel so sick inside
Knowing we've had our shot
Realising that life goes on.

If we've made up our minds,
Why are you in every song I hear?
Why don't I stop trying to be the one
To make you smile, To make you laugh
and never to make you cry.

If you're not the one..
Why?

I haven't been happy. If I'm being honest with myself, I haven't been truly happy for any extended period of time since then and I know why. I've laughed, I've lived, I've played, I've worked, but the fire in my eyes, the drive in my life. It's not there anymore.

I have tried to be okay, but the truth is I'm not. I'm not okay and who knows if I ever will be again.

But growing up and being an adult comes from learning lessons. Hurting is a lesson, maybe one of the best teachers of life. Growing up means taking the hurt like a man and straining to see through it to the lesson you're meant to learn. It means living with the consequences of your actions, your pride and your principles.

I wish I could say I was happy for her, but I cannot help but wonder why, and be more than a little offended.

But still, I am not okay.

Quirks

Maybe it's just me, but the random, silly things people do for one another are usually what really represents their feelings. Their personal quirks are what makes me laugh, smile, cry and melt.

To be with someone is to know them so well that nothing they do on a day to day basis is really a surprise to you. And yet, for that extra special occasion, to be surprised by a quirk you never knew of, or one she'd just thought of, it brings you both back to life and once again you realise that it's all worthwhile.

I miss having that to look forward to. I miss having that special connection with someone and feeling like they accept you through the knowledge of your most spectacular failures. Most of all though, I miss making her happy.

What do you do when your whole world isn't yours anymore?

All your favourite things

Fanta grape
Curly fries
Arcade games
Chawanmushi
Fish soup
Durian
Popsicles
Dinosaurs

Sometimes, the best things in your life only happen once.

So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to.

For all the times I tried for this,
and every chance at you I missed;
I've been known to go my way.

But I confess, it made me miss you more.

I drew my line across the sand,
and set my flag in no man's land.
But here I am the one man band,
with a song that's meant for two.

And there is a light
From a higher window
Shining down on you tonight;
And the music floats on the breeze
bringing an easier time.

And all of our cards
are on the table.
Tell me what you want to do;
Just don't tell me
that it's too late for me to love you.

How perfect we were meant to be;
Our warm and silent symmetry.
It's times like these when all...
All we need is to be reminded.

Oh and I have flown a thousand miles,
to empty rooms and crowded aisles;
and we went from cathedral bells
to show-and-tells and wish-you-wells and

I..I still look at you and I am blinded
I am blinded because there is a light
From a higher window;
Shining down on us tonight;
and the music floats on the breeze
from an easier time.

And all of our cards are on the table.
Tell me what you want to do;
Just don't tell me
That it's too late;
Don't tell me
That it's too late now;
Just don't tell me
That it's too late
For me to love you..

Rediscovering an old flame.

Those were the days. Pretty sure no one knows I'm this into it.

Have you ever had someone want to see you so badly they didn't just give you a hug? Have you ever had someone miss you so badly they had to run into your arms and maybe even jump because they're so happy you're there?

With a heavy heart, I wonder if I've had my fill.

I remember the first time it happened to me so clearly, and I loved it. It is such an underappreciated act, having someone let themselves go and look like a fool just to hold you a few seconds quicker.

I wonder if I will ever feel that way again.

I can only say please, and hope with this broken heart.

Transience

Any time, anywhere, anyone.

Life is transient that way. Things that could have been, things that never were, all snatched in flashes of time. I wonder how anyone really feels when they know that it's their last moment. Does your life flash before your eyes? Do you get a glimpse of what could have been, that tantalising strand of hope? Do you fight for every breath, with every sinew, fight to stay alive? Or do you just know...?

I find it hard to believe. I had only just met the guy 4 weeks ago. We said hi a few times, talked a little. Today, we all got an email telling us there was an accident and he is dead. It's not like I know the guy, I just find it quite surreal.

Life is here, it is now. Grab it, squeeze hard and hold on tight.

I'm leaving on a jet plane.

Cannot wait to get outta here!! One week to go.

I've also realised that my writing moods are brought about a lot by slower music. I think that's got something to do with the fact that a lot of my memories growing up are rooted in cheesy little pop-py songs with some clever lyrics. To be honest, I'm really just a big softie.

Lately I've been thinking about the things I have done in the past year. I haven't been too proud of a lot of it, and I guess in the last 3-5 years of my life, I have done regret-worthy things. I don't regret getting into a relationship, I don't regret putting myself out there and getting hurt, and I don't even regret how I built my life around her.

What I regret is the way I got into the relationship, which now I am questioning. Did I lie to myself, lie to the world? I honestly don't know yet, and I don't know if I really want to know. I regret that there were times where my actions didn't reflect the way I felt about her, that there were times I was disrespectful, and there were times where I was just downright horrible. All this I regret, even though being the person she is, she loved me nonetheless, and all this I regret in spite of the fact that it wasn't why it all came crashing down.

But maybe, just maybe I'm about ready to move on. I've felt sorry for myself long enough, pining for a love that's past its prime. I want to be able to throw myself out into the world again, raw and unprotected, but I don't feel as though I'm quite ready. Just like any injury, the body heals itself with time, but there are always things you can do to consolidate it and make sure things happen in the right direction.

Just like with any injury, you walk out with protection, be it a brace, a plaster, a support bandage or a cast. In my life, my friends have been that support, that protection, and that rock at which I've hurled most of my pain and frustration.

The next step is to give yourself time to heal. Exercise, or using the body part could help restore it to its former function quicker. But nothing beats time. To an injured person, it is both friend and foe, robbing you of the moments you could have and should have had, but at the same time, mending, repairing and giving peace, laying to rest all wounds so that all they become are battle scars, reminding you of the person you were before it happened, reminding you of times that should never be forgotten, but imprinted and learned from.

Sometimes, we give patients medications to prevent wounds from festering. It doesn't do anything for the healing process, but it's always nice to know that you're protected, you're covered from getting any worse, from falling any deeper into the gaping abyss of disability. To me, this is family. They don't always help, they don't always heal, but they're always there to make sure that when you feel like you're at rock bottom, the bottom doesn't give out on you. So thank you sis, mom, dad and all of you who have cared and held me in your thoughts all my life.

Finally, you're ready to head into the big bad world again. You carry your scars with pride, but if we could, none of us would have any aids or protection. We don't like showing the world our hurts, we don't like showing that we were once vulnerable, and we'd love to believe that the lesson was learned and we're over the hump. That the same thing that hurt us before won't be able to hurt us again.

So we lie to ourselves as we start fresh. We're more careful, but we tell ourselves we know better now and so we can't get hurt. But the truth is, we will never truly enjoy our lives the same way we did before unless we risk it all, and once again venture out with reckless abandon. To fight, to fall, to live and laugh and love.

So here I go.

I made chocolate tart! :) It is yum. Kudos epicurious.com

Random quote of the day: "Can footsteps really sound happy?" - A Voice in the Wind, tricksie

To-do List (eventually)

1. Finish storyboarding and start writing!
2. Study for Neurosurgery selective
3. Learn the guitar
4. Learn to ask someone out and go on an actual date
5. GYM GYM GYM
6. Add more later

Despondency

I'm drifting and I really need a purpose.

I need a goal, I need someone to impress, I need someone or something to chase! I feel like I'm walking in circles in the dark, feeling my way blindly for something to hold on to, or something that will hold on to me.

Need to start a new project, need to learn new things and remind myself I am good at things, and that I have and can achieve things. Need some fire, need some passion, need some obsessions.

I need a reason to wake up in the morning. I wish that reason was you.

Relapse

I have missed deep conversations and pouring my thoughts out on page, and I love how no one will ever know. Although one day, I will inevitably want them to. Because in the midst of my life, I feel so alone.

I don't know why, I thought I was over her, but maybe the truth is I am not. Maybe the truth is that I will never be. I do not know that if she wanted me back, I would say yes. This is what I tell myself because over the great expanse of time, a space has grown between us and we are too different.

And yet, I love her, and if she ever came calling, would I have the strength to stand unmoved, to deny myself the heart's greatest pull to date?

I know that all I do is dream wistfully and reminisce in tears the times of the past, where she made me so happy and I know, to some measure, I did that for her too. But can one help loving someone even if there is no hope, even if the person you love isn't the person you fell in love with anymore?

I have changed, and so much of me had been repressed that it lashed out. I take the blame, I take the responsibility, I take the consequences of my actions.

But it hurts. It hurts deeply and as a constant, there is something missing in my life. I feel adrift, as though I am floating with no anchor and no direction, being pulled by the current of life with no will to generate purpose.

Pity I do not want, and care I do not need. But they say that once a man has known a joy, never again is his life complete without it.

I have known joy, and I can only hope that that wasn't all of my allotted.